Get Out of My Head
by Architectoftheuniverse
Summary: "Castiel liked a lot of things about Earth. He liked the beauty of humans. (You like to hear their screams) He liked the harmony of everything. (You want to watch it fall apart)And most of all, he loved the blood." Since he was young, Castiel has had a voice in his head. Normally, he ignores him and his comments. One day, Castiel answers. Weird format and hints of mental disorder.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural. Also, putting this right up here, the mental disorder thing is because I wouldn't want to...trigger anyone or something like that, but I didn't have enough space to explain correctly.  
**

Castiel liked a lot of things about Earth. He liked the beauty of humans.

_(You like to listen to them scream)_

He liked the bees and the water and the harmony of everything.

_(You want to watch it fall apart)_

And sometimes, he imagined it all dead. He imagined the blood.

_(Such beautiful blood)_

In his saner moments, he liked the stars. The stars were beautiful,

_(Ugly)_

Free,

_(Caged)_

And shining bright.

_(Dull)_

Everything he wanted to be

_(They're just like you)_

Everything he **used **to be before Lucifer fell.

(_**Used**__ to be is the key word)_

Before Lucifer fell Heaven was safe, free, and the angels rarely argued.

(_Worthless, liar, freak)_

Back then he was a foot soldier. One of the most basic class of the angels, and nothing more.

_(An invisible soldier)_

He wasn't treated terribly, but he wasn't treated well either.

_(Filth, dark wing, not worthy)_

His large and dark colored wings isolated him a lot, but he didn't care.

_(Evil, going to fall, too powerful)_

He was happy to just sit and watch the bees, or play around with his friends.

(_And cry when no one was looking_)

When Lucifer first declared war, no one heard his screams.

_(That was me you know)_

No one heard his muttered arguments with himself lasting long into the night.

_(I wanted to go to war on Lucifer's side but noooo, little Cassie wasn't listening)_

No one saw his tears as he clashed swords with friend and foe alike.

_(Why were you crying? Deep down, you enjoyed it)_

No one heard his desperate cries for his Father as Lucifer fell into the pit.

_(But you weren't crying out for God, were you?)  
_Because when Lucifer fell, so did his Father, who had been more of a father then God had ever been.

_(Because he payed attention to you)_

Lucifer, who had taught him how to fly

_(Threw you off a cloud)_

How to fight

_(Stabbed you in the arm)_

How to sing

_(Made you sing for days without stopping)_

And how to live.

_(Okay, you've got me there)_

(**Bit of a tense switch here when they start having the conversation, sorry)**

In the years following Lucifer's fall he was very obedient.

_(Burned the library down and blamed it on Elthiel)_

He did what he was told to.

_(Punched Zachariah in the face)_

Followed orders expertly

_(Killed Bechiel and got away with it)_

He would go and kill that frog.

_(His blood tasted nice)_

Because God said so, and he listened to his Father.

_(No, you listened to Michael)_

If God said the frog had to be killed because it would spawn a dangerous species, then so be it.

_(You stabbed that frog so much there was nothing left)_

But maybe...the orders weren't coming from God?  
_(Poor frog, you even destroyed his soul)_

He didn't see what was wrong with a simple frog.

_(Oh who am I kidding, destroying souls is fun)_

New species were fun to watch, why did this one have to die?

_(Because it is fun to kill things)_

How could he be thinking this? It would lead him down the path of doubt.

_(Doubt is fun too, you should try it)_

…...

"I can't defy my father."

_(You already have)_

"What are you talking about?"

_(You denied Lucifer when he asked you to fight with him)_

"I'm talking about God, not Lucifer."

_(So you denied both of them)_

"No I didn't!"  
_(Deniiiiaaalll)_

"I told Lucifer that he was going to lose."

_(Did you not see his tears?)_

"I didn't fight against him."

_(You fought his soldiers)_

"But I didn't fight **him."**

_(That is still fighting against him)_

"Go away."

_(I can't, I'm a part of you)_

"It's usually easier to ignore you."

_(I'm bored, so I'm actually talking to you)_

"Go find something else to do."

_(If I could I would.)  
"_Usually you just make sadistic comments."

_(I told you, I'm bored)_

"Fine. What do I have to do to quiet you again?"

_(Hey, I take offense to that)  
_"Please?"

_(Admit that you have daddy issues, and that you fought, denied, and failed both of them)_

"I really, really hate you."

_(I figured that out a long time ago.)_

"Fine. I have daddy issues."

_(And...?)_

"I fought, denied, and failed both of them."

_(Great, you finally admit it!)_

"Now go away."

_(I can't go away, but I'll stop talking)_

"Thank you."

_(_..._)_

**_A/N: _This was written in like, ten minutes. It's very weird and has barely any story plot, but I thought, why not? I have more, but it might be a bit until I put it up. R&R would be appreciated.  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

The voice quieted for a long time after that, even when Castiel begged him to talk in fits of sadness from things unexplained. Sometimes he would chip in with a random comment, and scare Castiel half to death, sometimes he would vanish for weeks. Castiel had never figured out who the voice was, what he was, and why exactly he was there.

_(I can hear what you are thinking you know)_

"I hate you."  
_(I know)  
_"Go away."

_(…...)_

He hadn't gotten a name yet either, so he had taken to calling the voice Shadow. He knew Shadow had said once, long ago, that he was a part of him, but he honestly did not trust anything Shadow said. Too many years of manipulation had caused that.

_(That's kind of mean)_

"..."

_(Heyyy)_

"..."

_(Pay attention to meee)_

"..."

_(Fine, see if I care!)_

"..."

_(….)_

The most he had talked to him in centuries was when he rescued Dean from Hell, and Shadow had...not had made much sense.

(I AM GOING TO KILL YOU)

"Shadow?"

_(I AM GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU DO NOT LET DEAN WINCHESTER GO RIGHT NOW)_

"Shadow, what are you talking about?"

_(LET HIM GO)_

"I can't, Michael ordered me to."

_(YOU KNOW IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA TO LISTEN TO MICHAEL)_

"Well, right now I am."  
_(Just...Please let him go)_

"Shadow, what is wrong with you?"  
_(I can't tell you)_

"Shadow, tell me right now."

_(I can't)_

"I'm not letting go of Dean."

_(You remember that talk we had a long time ago about doubt?)_  
"Yeah, that one that turned into us arguing about Lucifer and God?"

_(That one. Do you remember what I said?)_

"Something about 'Doubt is fun' and 'you should try it'"

_(Oh, that's not what I meant to say)_

"What did you mean to say?"

_(What I'm trying to say is screw God, Michael, and the supposed 'perfect plan')_

"That sounds like a very bold and spur of the moment thing."

_(You should try it and drop Dean.)_

"You're manipulating me aren't you?! I'm not dropping Dean!"

_(Not even a chance?)_

"**No."  
**_(You know what, just, just take him then)_

"What?"  
_(Take him)_

"What's with your sudden change of mind?"

_(I don't know, but if you take him I won't be talking to you for a while)_

"Shadow, what do you mean?"  
_(Castiel, you need to get out of here now, there is a wave of demons coming towards you)_

"I can defend myself."  
_(You're injured and carrying Dean)_  
"Fine, I'll go. Thank you."  
_(…..)_  
"Shadow?"

_(.….)_

"You've left me again haven't you."

_(Go, and don't forget me)_  
"Shadow, wait! What do you mean?"  
_(…..)_  
"Come back!"

I didn't hear him for a very long time after that, and he seemed different when I did.

_(I hate you, I want to watch you die)_

"*sigh*"

_(Want a cupcake?)_

I still wonder what it cost him to let me take Dean.

I still wonder about who he actually is.

**A/N: Cheers! An update that is worse then the first chapter by a lot. R&R, lots of love!**


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